Friends

13 January 2017

SNOW


The following was sent to me by email in 2014 but now that the snow is on the ground I thought it an appropriate time to re-post it. Enjoy!



December 8:  6:00 PM.  It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

December 9:  We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.  Shovelled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.

December 12:  The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14:  Snow, lovely snow!  8" last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life! The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:  20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.  Stocked the Freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I Think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:  Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:  Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:  Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.  More shovelling.  Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out.  Might have
another shipment in March.  I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22:  Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel!  Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.  I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:  Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0".  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24:  6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25:  Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas.  20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.  Snowed in.  The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.  God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26:  Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.  Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28:  Warmed up to above -50.  Still snowed in.  The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29:  10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:  Roof caved in.  I beat up the snowplough driver.  He is now suing me for a million dollars; not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.  The wife went home to her mother.  9" predicted.

December 31:  I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shovelling. 


January 8:  Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Wondering ... why am I tied to this bed?

13 comments:

Ron said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG, HILIAROUS, Valerie! I remember reading this a few years ago, but thoroughly enjoyed reading it again, it's BRILLIANT!

So you got some snow? Yahooo!

The snow we got last weekend is totally gone because the weather did a complete change over the past three days and got unusually warm. And when I say warm, I mean WARM. Last night while walking home from work, I actually had to take my winter coat off because I was literally sweating from my forehead because it was so warm and humid. I saw on the news that yesterday the temperature here rose to 75 degrees....in JANUARY!?! And apparently this weekend we're getting more snow and freezing temperatures.

Strange, hu?

Have a great weekend, my friend!
X

joeh said...

Well I do love snow, but...

Very funny!

S. J. Qualls said...

Funny! I've almost been there, one of the reasons I live in TN. (I never set fire to the house, that is.)

Katie Eggeman said...

My theory of snowy winters, is that you have to love winter sports so much, that you are willing to live in the cold, otherwise, I can't see why people like to live with snow.

Mr. Shife said...

Too funny, but it almost feels like the truth with the winter we have had so far this year. Enjoy your snow, Val.

Carole said...

This is hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle. We're in the south for the winter, but a recent ice storm up north downed one of our trees :-(

Hope you're staying warm :-)

kden said...

That was funny, I'm surprised I've never seen it before. But it sure feels accurate. I have appreciated your comments on my blog about losing our dog. Your words have been very comforting and I thank you.

Valerie said...

Hi Ron, it's the sort of thing you can read again and still enjoy it.

We've had a change in the weather and it is a bit warmer. However, as I type I can hear the rain pelting down. I should be out shopping but the thought of getting soaked puts me off! The weather pattern is crazy. Even Charlie is staying in!

Valerie said...

Joeh, I'm glad you liked it.

Valerie said...

SJQ, the secret in staying sane is to stay in the house and ignore what is going on outside.

Valerie said...

Katie, my view on snow is so changed since getting older. I love the look of it providing I don't ever have to go out.

Valerie said...

Carole, that's bad news. Don't let it spoil your time away.

Valerie said...

kden, you will probably see this again as it goes into circulation for the umpteenth time. Hope you feel calmer now - it will get easier, my friend.