WHETHER THE WEATHER BE FINE....

(Picture by byanguela,wordpress.com)

I never know what the weather forecast is because I can’t keep up with the speed-talkers on television. Usually women! By the time they've got to the end of their spiel I feel quite worn out, even breathless. Is it because they’re under time-pressure or do they always speak like that? Or is it that my brain has slowed down and won’t take it in?

I wouldn’t mind if I needed a weather forecast. I mean, I lived a long time before the instigation of complicated calculations and managed quite well just by looking out of the window and noting the appearance of the sky. We could tell by stars and temperatures if we needed raincoats or sunscreen. Even the birds were an indication of forthcoming conditions. 

What’s even worse, though, is the way modern misses act the part. Literally! There must be a condition of employment that they attend drama school. How do I know this? Well, I don’t. I’m just going by the incessant arm flourishing as they guide the way to the part of the map they want to talk about, followed by a joke or two, and a twinkling eye as they bestow huge smiles at the camera and position their bodies in seductive pose. I guess that’s to make male viewers feel good and take their minds of the weather. You don’t see the men preening and showing off. They just tell it as it is, although still complicated. Men, of course, have lower case voices so even if they do race along we can (mostly) understand them.... unlike the shrill voices of women. I’ve  got to the stage of wishing women were barred from talking about the weather.

Who are they for, these daily forecasts? Farmers must find them useful, and sailors definitely need to know, and maybe people who work outdoors but surely the latter can take the weather as it comes instead of relying on an attractive presenter on telly. People who REALLY need to know have their own source of information, I can't imagine them waiting for the six o'clock news to find out. 

Many years ago there was an old country man who could give accurate predictions purely by looking at the clouds and observing patterns of events. When interviewed he explained that he watched the sunset and if it was very red he knew the next day would be fine. He knew all about berries, which apparently were indications of forthcoming weather conditions. Holly berries, for instance, was said to indicate the severity of winter. All clever stuff if you know what to look for.

I’m not sure who started the old wives tales, one of which was ‘rain Sunday, rain Monday’ and I remember the claim that mountains ending the day shrouded by cloud meant the next day would be dry and warm. Then, of course, there’s the old saying ‘red sky at night, sailor’s delight; red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning’. A few more ancient beliefs can be found here... all good enough for folk in those days.

Technology is a wonderful thing and I’m all for it. It’s just that I can’t stand the constant pirouetting and fast and piercing voices of women presenters. Give me a man every time, no matter what the weather!!!!!