01 June 2016

How to give a cat a pill!

How to give a cat a pill:
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. 

As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. 

Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
Wrap it in bacon.


  1. Hello,

    What a fabulous, hilarious post. Is it so difficult to give a pill to the cat? I am amazed. What struggle, what suffering, what destruction, how time consuming,how painful, I just can't visualize. Cat lovers have a real task on their hand.

    Best wishes

  2. Well, I hope this doesn't come from experience and Charlie cat is in good health....Very funny!

  3. Love it!!! Especially the part about the dog pill. Great punchline :)

  4. Hahaha! Great post. Thanks.

    Greetings from London.

  5. OMG Valerie, I was laughing my butt off whilst reading this post.....HILARIOUS! It brought back many memories of attempting to give both my cats pills and having the hardest time. My male cat was a bit easier to administer a pill, however my female would cleverly hold pill in her mouth, allowing me to think she had swallowed it, but as soon as I turned around...she would spit it out - Ha!

    Love the line about how to give a dog a pill!

    Hope your week is going fabulously!

  6. Ron, I hooted with laughter when I read this and I just knew you would like it. It is too long ago for me to remember how my cat took pills, but I guess there were moments I ought to remember. I haven't had to face it with Charlie yet but I dread the day because he is a very strong-willed animal.

  7. As funny as the story on how to get a cat a bath :) My dog is not so easily fooled, especially with bitter antibiotics. Meat? Nope. Yogurt? Nope. Finally peanut butter worked, until next time.

  8. Too funny. Something to look forward to when Kyle finally gets his wish of having a cat.

  9. kden, Oh yes I remember how it was with the dog. I coped somhow with ours, but I think him being a bigger animal helped.

  10. I know! We used to have two cats, and occasionally ended up with bitten fingers although they were usually the most delightful pets.


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