Monday Mirth

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the

Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes,

make him a sandwich.

I have a little satnav

It sits there in my car.

A satnav is a driver’s friend,

It tells you where you are

I have a little satnav,

I’ve had it all my life.

It isn’t like the normal ones,

My satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions,

Especially how to drive –

“It’s thirty miles an hour”, it says,

“You’re doing thirty five”.

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brake,

And tells me that it’s never, ever,

Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green –

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear,

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device,

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice!

It fills me up with counselling

Each journey’s pretty fraught,

So why don’t I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I’m properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And – keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while…

I could turn the damned thing off.