Monday Mirth

The hospital chaplain sits outside the A and E with a husband whose wife has just been admitted. The chaplain says in a very concerned voice, ‘I don’t like the look of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither, Father,’ said the husband, ‘but she’s a great cook and really good with the children.

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says ‘I love you so much, I don’t know how I could live without you.’

Her husband asks, ‘Is that you or the wine talking?’

She replies, ‘It’s me. I was talking to the wine.’

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
    Finally I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. He yelled back.

I shook him and he got even angrier and ruder.

So, and in desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
  Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
  I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"