Monday Mirth

MEET ... RHOD GILBERT

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'

'Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

A Schoolteacher was arrested at Birmingham Airport as he attempted to board a flight. He was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At the morning press conference the Home Secretary said he believed the man to be a member of a notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

MISCELLANEOUS!

For want of something to fill a post, here are some things in a row. 

Not altogether inspiring but useful when time is short. 

Never mind, I'll insert a few classified ads for the sake of variation.

No, it's not a string of beads, these red lovelies are cherry tomatoes

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

Not my style of china, but the arrangement was nice

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog

Spices, pulses, and lentils.

Someone called Stanley left these behind

TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Anyone got the time?

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables

Monday Mirth

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

'Well,' he replied, 'the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.'

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all travelling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

 The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, 'Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?'

'Ever go fishing?' the policeman asked.

'Uhhh, yeah...' the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, 'Ever catch ALL the fish?'

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men’s wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.

Rossi looks at Abe’s resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.

Rossi says to Abe, “What chutzpah, if you don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”

“Well I suppose I am,” Abe replies, “but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Monday Mirth

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside  the Station, when he noticed a little girl  nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders  hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly  coiled in the middle.
The  girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her  cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer  look.
'That  sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said  with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.  The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl  had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to  the cat's testicles.
'Little  partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to  tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to  tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think  you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a  siren.' 

Just Like Dad

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. 

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts: 

1.  I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 
2.  I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 
3.  I will get dressed before noon. 
4.  I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 
5.  I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 
6.  I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 
7.  I will read a book...if I still remember how. 
8.  I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 
9.  I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my check book because I was too busy on the Web. 
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

A man walks into a bar and orders a Martini  When the barman brings his drink the man fishes out the olive and puts it in a jar. He orders another and does exactly the same thing. This operation is repeated until the man has a pile of olives in his jar.  

'Excuse me, says the barman, 'is there something wrong with the drink?' 

'Oh no', says the man, 'the wife sent me out' to get a jar of olives.'

Monday Mirth

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anaesthetist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

'Is this some kind of mistake?' Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

'No, not at all,' the doctor said calmly.

'Well,' said Margie, 'that's awfully costly for knocking someone out.'

'Not at all,' replied the doctor. 'I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around.'

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water
and set a new lap record?

Not only In America but the UK too

.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Monday Mirth

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

So... this penguin walks into a bar and says to to the barman: "Have you seen my brother?"

And the barman says: "No, what does he look like?"

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." 

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: 

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”