Friends

31 January 2013

SOMETHING BORROWED...


Pinched from Pearl's blog. Thanks to her for showing this amusingly written piece. 

The "Middle Wife" 
by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher 


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model air planes  pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. ‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. ‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Dominoes man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

12 comments:

Brian Miller said...

hahahahaha moms play center and spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place...oh my...that laugh felt pretty good...smiles

Valerie said...

Pretty good, eh Brian?

Mel said...

*laughing!!* Oh my gosh....what a stand up job the young lady did telling the tale. And how brilliant the teacher just let her go.

Jay said...

Oh, my goodness, that was HYSTERICAL!!! What a sweetie - and yes, talk about outgoing!

She seems to have a handle on how goes, even if the details are a bit fuzzy. 'Middle wife'! 'Play Centre'!! HAHAHA!!!

BTW, I clearly should check my spam folder more often, because your comment got stuck in there. I've just fished it out.

Ron said...

Bwhahahahhahahahaha!

OMG Valerie, this was PRICELESS!!!!

"He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

"She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Dominoes man."

Bwhahahahahahahaha! HILARIOUS!!

Thanks for the GREAT morning laughs, dear lady!

X

Valerie said...

Hi Jay. I confess it took me a few seconds to cotton on to 'play centre'...
Sorry my comment went into spam. I will try and be more careful next time :O)

It was good, Mel. I am pleased it gave you a laugh.

You're welcome, Ron. Wasn't it a hoot?

Don't unplug your hub. said...

Fantastic Valerie! Thanks for this.

Susan Kane said...

Oh, my gosh. Tears are running down my cheeks. You can't make this stuff up--that girl must have been something else. More, Pearl, please.

HermanTurnip said...

Oh man, that was so funny I had tears in my eyes by the time I finished! *golf clap!*

Valerie said...

I'm so pleased you liked it, Susan.

Like you, Herman, I thought this was hilarious. Whoever wrote it was a genius.

Pat said...

I love this! I posted this, too, on my Friday Funnies page! Great minds think alike!

Joseph Daggatt said...

It took me half a lifetime to learn about that !!!